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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Who Decides or Does Anyone?










Room for One More

I'm going to go off track here and get a little philosophical. When I was young I felt I was in control of what happened to me and I decided how things would turn out. I made the decision where I went to school, what to study, and on and on. Looking back, it doesn't seem so clear cut. It seems so much more random.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing but randomness seems play a much bigger role than those decisions I thought I had made. Even the decisions seem to be based more on chance circumstances than anything else.

Just the story of how I met my husband is a total example of that. I went to an engineering school, mainly because I didn't know what else I was going to do and my dad and uncle had gone there. I started riding in with my mom's friend's daughter, Michele. Actually I haven't seen her since but she placed a big part in this.

My husband and I were on two different tracks so we never would have met if he didn't decide later to switch to the English class his friend was in. Actually I didn't really notice him. I was more interested in his friend with his long hair. Slowly though we started talking before class and he seemed nice, more of a friend. But nothing came of it.

Soon it was April, our freshman year was coming to a close. By then I knew I wasn't coming back in the fall- I was going to be on academic probation and I was overwhelmed by the classes. I had told Michele of this cute guy in my class but it was going nowhere. We happened to walk by the video arcade/game room which had a glass wall. I noticed him and pointed him out to show her what he looked like. She just said, if he wasn't making a move, I should just ask him out which I brashly did, not even accepting his first answer.

Twenty five years later, we are still together, from a chance meeting to a glimpse in the arcade to a friend who gave me a push to a married 4 years later. I guess I made a few decisions there- like asking him out, but the random circumstances allowed the decision to come about. But it seems this was just one in thousands of little events that build a life. How much do we really decide and how much is based on what just happens?

To some this may be mindblowing and  frustrating but this randomness seems to me a freedom. We have some say but so much is out of our hands. This can allow you not to question every choice you ever made. Maybe that so-called bad "choice" wasn't even yours to make. You can let go of trying to control your life and just enjoy the way it is going now. Is there a design or chance, I don't know but I do know much of my life happened with my say, all the way back to which sperm hit which egg.

Don't sweat every choice, you may look back and realize, you really had no say anyway. Just enjoy the outcome.

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